As an uncle to my 16 yo niece, I was never in a position to consider punishment. Aunts & uncles often say they love the dynamic because once kids start crying, they hand them back to the parent. So when my niece laments about her homework, I tell her, “I don’t care if you finish it. That’s up to you.” Rather than challenge her with threats—no ice cream or whatever—I hand the power to her. She is on the honor roll this semester!
For me, you are highlighting an obvious theme most parents are oblivious of: trusting their children. Parents as children were not trusted and they, unless lucky enough to have stepped out of the authoritarian/permissive parenting ping pong game, continue to pass on the mistrust to their children.
“To trust children we must first learn to trust ourselves; and most of us were taught as children that we could not be trusted.” John Holt
And this quote by Gordon follows on the self-responsibility theme of my article and how the Milgram Experiment showed how this diminishes with obedience to authority:
“More Responsibility, More Fate Control
Clinical evidence has shown that the feeling of not being responsible for one's life, one's destiny, can be a cause of poor mental health—particularly of depression, anxiety, and stress. At the core of both the P.E.T. and T.E.T. courses is the principle of promoting children's self-control versus adult control, inner control versus external control. Psychologists have recently become interested in this issue, using the term “fate control.” Autocratic teachers and parents, relying heavily on external control of children, foster feelings of dependence and lack of fate control. Democratic teachers and parents, who give children a lot of freedom and responsibility, make children feel they can be trusted to be responsible for their own destiny. In Chapter 5, I described Stanley Milgram's (1974) experiments on obedience to authority. Recall his conclusion: “The disappearance of a sense of responsibility is the most far-reaching consequence of submission to authority.”” Teaching Children Self-Discipline by Thomas Gordon
To close with Goethe's wisdom:
"Once you have learned to trust yourself, you will know how to live".
Andy, I hope you will join our PET tonight 7PM NZ time, money goes to keep my Africans alive
PARENT EFFECTIVENESS TRAINING (PET) ONLINE STARTS 7PM SUNDAY--UPDATE: NOVEMBER 24, 2024 (New Zealand time)--PEACEFUL PARENTING FOR A PEACEFUL WORLD
The Milgram experiment was in fact replicated in 2003 with a new generation (mine) that was raised at least somewhat less violently and in a less authoritarian manner. But that's not really the dunk the authoritarians think it is, as authoritarian parenting (and society) never really went away, it just became more subtle and sneaky. Control freaks still remain in power to this very day.
As an uncle to my 16 yo niece, I was never in a position to consider punishment. Aunts & uncles often say they love the dynamic because once kids start crying, they hand them back to the parent. So when my niece laments about her homework, I tell her, “I don’t care if you finish it. That’s up to you.” Rather than challenge her with threats—no ice cream or whatever—I hand the power to her. She is on the honor roll this semester!
Well done! Yes the role of the parent should not be dictator and enforcer but instead consultant and coach.
Indeed
Not that I care about the honor roll, but it is a metric of the effort she put into her work, once given the freedom not to do it.
For me, you are highlighting an obvious theme most parents are oblivious of: trusting their children. Parents as children were not trusted and they, unless lucky enough to have stepped out of the authoritarian/permissive parenting ping pong game, continue to pass on the mistrust to their children.
“To trust children we must first learn to trust ourselves; and most of us were taught as children that we could not be trusted.” John Holt
And this quote by Gordon follows on the self-responsibility theme of my article and how the Milgram Experiment showed how this diminishes with obedience to authority:
“More Responsibility, More Fate Control
Clinical evidence has shown that the feeling of not being responsible for one's life, one's destiny, can be a cause of poor mental health—particularly of depression, anxiety, and stress. At the core of both the P.E.T. and T.E.T. courses is the principle of promoting children's self-control versus adult control, inner control versus external control. Psychologists have recently become interested in this issue, using the term “fate control.” Autocratic teachers and parents, relying heavily on external control of children, foster feelings of dependence and lack of fate control. Democratic teachers and parents, who give children a lot of freedom and responsibility, make children feel they can be trusted to be responsible for their own destiny. In Chapter 5, I described Stanley Milgram's (1974) experiments on obedience to authority. Recall his conclusion: “The disappearance of a sense of responsibility is the most far-reaching consequence of submission to authority.”” Teaching Children Self-Discipline by Thomas Gordon
To close with Goethe's wisdom:
"Once you have learned to trust yourself, you will know how to live".
Andy, I hope you will join our PET tonight 7PM NZ time, money goes to keep my Africans alive
PARENT EFFECTIVENESS TRAINING (PET) ONLINE STARTS 7PM SUNDAY--UPDATE: NOVEMBER 24, 2024 (New Zealand time)--PEACEFUL PARENTING FOR A PEACEFUL WORLD
https://responsiblyfree.substack.com/p/parent-effectiveness-training-pet
Interesting. This is why we get so many “control freak” disorders.
The Milgram experiment was in fact replicated in 2003 with a new generation (mine) that was raised at least somewhat less violently and in a less authoritarian manner. But that's not really the dunk the authoritarians think it is, as authoritarian parenting (and society) never really went away, it just became more subtle and sneaky. Control freaks still remain in power to this very day.
Check out my most recent post on PARENTARCHY--Free Friends Forum 27 PARENTAL POWER: The Elephant in the Womb is the Government in the Tomb
SUBSTACK
https://responsiblyfree.substack.com/p/parentarchy-free-friends-forum-27
I hope you will join us my tomorrow Sunday, 9am, New Zealand and in the U.S. Saturday 12 noon to 3pm.
Towards Peaceful Parenting.